Beating Satan, Not Your Penis
Posted by Mrs. T.D. Gaines-Crockett on October 26, 2007
The declining morals of today’s teenage boys can be blamed on one thing: Internet Pornography. This revolutionary new ministry has been touted as the single most effective way to teach young Christian (Baptist)© men that masturbation is hazardous to your emotional and spiritual health. While our methods may be considered unconventional and extreme they are 100% effective. After one week in the program many young men are finding themselves with a hands-off approach to self-abuse. Join the thousands of sexually dependent men across the globe who have said, “Hands Off, Satan. That’s My Genitalia Not Yours!”
| FACT: | FICTION: |
| 1 out of 5 masturbators will become registered sex offenders.2 out of 5 will engage in beastality.
2 out of every 3 men who masturbate will engage in a long term homo-sexual relationship and practice incest. 2 of the same 3 men will commit suicide. All of them will burn in Hell for their sins. 90% of all men who masturbate will have one or more STD’s in their life. 53% will die from a sexually related disease. Repeated masturbation will lead to penile dysfunction, spinal injury, and prostate cancer. 67% of men who masturbate will become addicted to pornography, lose their jobs and families, and develop a severe depression. Democrats practice self-abuse 10 times more often than Republicans due to their lack of morals. The Lord makes his stance on Masturbation very clear: Leviticus 26:16 “I also will do this unto you; I will even appoint over you terror, consumption, and the burning argue, that shall consume the eyes, and cause sorrow of heart: should ye shall spill your seed in vain, for your enemies shall eat it” |
It’s OK to masturbate if you are looking at Playboy or thinking about your girlfriend. What they don’t know won’t hurt them.It’s normal for young men to masturbate together or experiment sexually.
Masturbating is a safe, non-infectious way to relieve sexual tension. There is no risk involved whatsoever. The more you masturbate the better you become at controlling your orgasm when making love. If it feels good do it. Self gratification is an expression of one’s self. Creative and successful people masturbate frequently. From a lying, secular 20th-century medical perspective: “I can assure you that this activity in no way affects mental or physical health.” — Dr. Peter Gott, nationally syndicated medical columnist, August 12, 1997. |
|
Is Your Son or Husband Masturbating? |
Ex-Masturbators Speak Out |
| Look for the signs: hankies, socks, underwear, paper-towel, tissue, animal fur, hand creams, lotions, oils, hair-brushes, plastic sandwich bags, smut and similar magazines, Sports Illustrated, Sear’s, JC Penney, Victoria’s Secret catalogues hidden under the bed or mattress. Search his closet, dressers, nightstand, stereo cabinet, file cabinet, back-pack, and briefcase.
Spending long periods of time alone in the shower or bathroom; locked behind closed bedroom, office, basement, or garage doors alone with a friend of questionable morals. Desire to spend less time with family and more time with “new friends” that you’ve not met. Takes long drives in the car alone at strange hours of the day or walks the dog in the woods. Goes hunting or fishing alone. You discover your personal items missing from your lingerie drawer, rest-room, or kitchen and find them in strange places in the house: panties, soft socks, slips, nylons, hand-towels, wash cloths, tissue rolls, maxi-pads, hand lotions, body creams, baby oil, Vaseline, Noxzema, dish-towels, rubber gloves, plastic sandwich baggies, vegetable oil, hot dogs, soft bread, melons, cucumbers, scrubbing pads, whipped topping, pineapple rings and bananas. Breaking The Code: Masturbation may have a thousand ugly names but it still amounts to the same thing, SIN. Take note to see if your son or husband uses any of the following terms. If he does then there is a serious problem. CLICK HERE FOR A LIST OF TERMS USED BY PRACTICING MASTURBATORS. WARNING: 18 & UP! |
“I was a third generation masturbator. My grandfather taught my father and he taught me. At an early age I was told that it was OK to beat my monkey. In fact, I was encouraged by my father to have contests with him and my brother to see who could do it the most often and the fastest. This continued all through my young adult and early married life.
Up until one year ago I was masturbating a minimum of three times a day. I did it at the office, in the car, at the health club. There weren’t many places I didn’t do it. When my son was born I masturbated just thinking about the day I could introduce him to masturbating. All I thought about was when I could get away somewhere private and abuse myself. Then someone at church introduced me to BBDBO. Jim Hodges followed me into the rest-room and just as I was about to go into a stall to “do it” he stopped me and told me about this great new ministry for people like us. I was embarrassed but intrigued. “People like us?” I asked him. That is when he told me that he too was addicted to masturbation and shared his testimony with me right there in that bathroom stall. I broke down that night and confessed my desire to change. I knew that God was telling me to take matters into my own hands and my penis out of them. After a few sessions with Pastor Grover I was saved by the grace of God. With a scripture based therapy and group sessions I haven’t masturbated since. Now, the only thing I fondle in the heat of the moment is a KJV 1611 bible“ - Mike Shananhan, Ex-Masturbator & BBDBO Prayer Counselor |
Watch the Save a Kitten Video - Christian Accountability
Join PureOnline.com to conquer habitual masturbation–even masturbation addiction!


Nikita said
Is this a joke?, surely it must be.
Mod note: The only joke is that a lesbian Scientologist would have the gall to mock our beliefs
Lynelle Bryant - USE Ministry Leader said
Nikita, if and when you become a mother you will understand how important it is to keep your child safe from harming themself. The biblical stance on masturbation is that it is a sin. Period. I am the mother of three sons and from the time they were old enough to know right from wrong they knew that masturbation was a sin and not to do it. There are some very educational and informative sites on this if you are interested.
http://www.layhands.com/IsMasturbationASin.htm
http://www.truechristian.com/masturbation.html
http://www.porn-free.org/masturbation_recovery.htm
So yes, masturbation is a sin even if you are not thinking “sexual thoughts” while doing it.
Genesis 38:8-10 records the incident where God slew Onan for purposely spilling his seed, ie. Masturbation. (You will notice that it had nothing to do about whether he was thinking sexual thoughts.)
“Then Judah said to Onan, ‘Lie with your brother’s wife and fulfill your duty to her as a brother-in-law to produce offspring for your brother.’ But Onan knew that the offspring would not be his; so whenever he lay with his brother’s wife, he spilled his semen on the ground to keep from producing offspring for his brother. What he did was wicked in the LORD’s sight; so he put him to death also.” (Genesis 38:8-10)
I hope this helps!
God Bless!
Lynelle
Brother Stanton Archibald said
To help defeat the temptation of masturbation, I think of every spermatozoa in my loins as gorgeous microscopic Baby Jesuses all awaiting their return to earth for our rapturous salvation. Then I envision millions of these Baby Saviors screaming and wailing as they are left to suffer and die on a kleenex or dirty sock.
Mod Hugh Note: What a fantastic point of view you have and so graphic, that would make for a lovely childrens story to read to our young boys. Thank you.
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Confused said
90% of men masturbate.
80% of women masturbate.
The rest are lying.
qzpm said
Ok, I haven’t read the actual article yet, but I will in a few seconds, first I wanted to applaud you on what is officially the greatest title you have ever come up with. Congratulations, “Beating Satan, Not Your Penis” is just perfect, I love it.
qzpm said
I’ve read it now, and it’s obviously not factual, but I’m still impressed by the title
Really though, everyone masturbates, and it is really healthy. It’s really good for girls because once you know how to achieve orgasm alone, it’s easier to do it with a partner
Brother Stanton Archibald said
Once again, I would think that once an issue is settled on a previous thread (in this case, the fact that girls and women do not have the physical capacity to achieve orgasm), people do not frivolously re-state the discredited information.
The Mailman said
“God is watching you masturbate.”
- Then God is a pervert.
P.W. Herman said
God wouldn’t have invented movie theaters if he didn’t mean for us to masturbate.
Brother Stanton Archibald said
Mr. Mailman, your concern about Our Lord is unfounded. A pervert would be someone who watches a person self-abuse for the purpose of their own gratification. The Lord and Savior watches the members of His flock while they masturbate so that He may render appropriate judgment upon mankind at the time of the rapture.
That’s a pretty big difference.
Brother Stanton Archibald said
Mr. Herman, I would suggest that you are a mortally prideful person if you believe that you can divine G_d’s “intentions.” Just as those in the military are taught to act on their orders and not question the reasons or motivations of their superiors, we are all called to serve in the Army of Christ. And those who question His orders will literally be damned for their infidelity.
Warrior Jodie said
My mama always told us when we were growing up that everytime we was doing something we sholdnt be doing that our dead relatives were watching from heaven. When I caught my oldest boy Trell at about 13 whittling his pencil I told him that his Granny was watching and he was making her cry. My youngest Kyle is “special” so that didnt work on him so I just poured in some Campho-Phenique in his lotion I found. That sure stopped that problem. No more sticky sheets for me to wash!
Snork said
FACT: 110% of all lighting strikes are aimed at masturbaters.
Brother Stanton Archibald said
Excellent advice, Warrior Jodie. I have found that Old Spice aftershave in the lotion gets the job done too – and your adolescent child will also smell manly and virile for the rest of the day.
Mod Note: BenGay works wonders as well.
Brother Stanton Archibald said
Snork, The Lord commands lightning, so watch what you say.
Brother WhoDat Glory Pines Ministry said
My boys never even considered this filthy sin, they are good Christian (republican Baptist) boys who properly fear the Lords wrath should they do such a thing, plus there are no doors on their 7 bedrooms or 8 bathrooms so they wouldn’t even try. Praise the Lord.
Snork said
FACT: 83.27% of masturbaters have retarded children.
God Bless.
Lynelle Bryant - USE Ministry Leader said
I read in Woman’s Day magazine a while back that 95% of the Europeans, Latinos and Mexicans didn’t have their babies boys cut when they were little. It is a known fact that uncircumcised males abuse themselves a lot more than the normal ones. No wonder those Mexicans are so poor, they spend all their money on detergent. God said he wanted his male children cut and that’s just the way it should be. We had our boys clipped extra close when the doctor said the more skin we had cut off the less sensitivity they’d have down there. It was the Christian thing to do.
God Bless!
Lynelle
Fat Jerry said
“God is watching you masturbate.”
Lucky for Him it doesn’t take me very long.
Phlanx said
I caught my son masturbating a couple of times, I told him to stop, and that he’d burn in Hell if he didn’t stop. But he kept on doing it, and I kept on telling him to stop, but he wouldn’t. So I shot him. Was that the best thing to do?
Brother WhoDat Glory Pines Ministry said
Lynelle,
You are just about the perfect mother. You should write one of those parenting books, in your spare time, on how to properly rear a good Christian (republican Baptist).
Bless you sister, and your hair really looks lovely. Is that a full foil or just highlights?
Warrior Jodie said
FAT JERRY honey I feel sorry for your wife.
Warrior Jodie said
Brother Whodat for you go bragging on about your boys you best ask the Associate Pastor about who got caught playing “Who eats the cracker?” at teen camp in July. I’m just saying hon.
Apple don’t fall from the tree so I hear tell.
Brother WhoDat Glory Pines Ministry said
Phlanx,
While that is a bit of an over reaction, in my opinion, you did warn the child he was going to H*ll for that, but, and not to nit pick, you didn’t really give him a time line before you punished him, now did you? For instance when my children or the domestics are up to something worrysome, I always tell them I am gonna count to ten before I punish, I have never gotten past 6 before they straighten up (the kids) or I have them deported (the domestics).
God Bless.
Zolton said
FAT JERRY honey I feel sorry for your wife.
Wife, hell.
How do you think his cats feel?
Brother Stanton Archibald said
Phlanx, if the shooting occurred because you were directly intervening in an attempt to immediately end an attempt by your son to poison his soul, I believe that The Lord will forgive you.
Warrior Jodie said
Truth be told I bet WHODAT has never gotten past 4.5 truthfully and that was after a long time away from his wife.
Brother WhoDat Glory Pines Ministry said
Jodie Dear,
The mouth on you? My goodness!
Lord knows I just hate to criticise, but sometimes I think you need a muzzel to shut your trap and some handcuffs to keep you off the computer. Heavens knows you probably have those items in your home, probably within arms reach.
God Bless you dear sister.
Phlanx said
Thank you for the reassurance Brother Stanton. WhoDat, I had caught him on several occasions, and I was getting really scared that he might damn his soul for eternity.
Fat Jerry said
Zolton,
Jesus loves you but he still thinks you’re an a**hole.
Mod Note: Please watch your language, there are emo-fan children here and they don’t need to be exposed to more foul garbage than they already are by these emo bands. Thank you.
Zolton said
Well Jerr, if Jesus is gonna be all prissy about it, then I won’t let him watch any more.
I’ll go back to doing it in the basement with the lights off. Up against the hot water heater.
Warrior Jodie said
Before I started adding something to Kyle’s lotion I used to throw iced cold water on him when I caught him choking the purple headed snake. But I think that works better when you catch your dogs humping something than on a kid.
Snork said
It fills my heart with overflowing joy and warms my soul, the knowledge that Good people still exist in this world. People whose minds, hearts and penises are uncontaminated by the evil corruption so rampant in this rotten world. People who are completely open to His Goodness, people who let His Light illuminate their vision.
Can I get a Praise Jesus?
Brother Stanton Archibald said
Phlanx, did you kill him or merely blast the offending appendage?
Connie Mack said
All I can say is that I am glad I have girls. The thought of catching someone doing that makes me sick to my stomach. Talk about an appetite suppressant!
Brother WhoDat Glory Pines Ministry said
Jodie Lamb,
Did you get into Junes ‘medicine’ again? You know that her ‘medicine’ on the rocks w/extra lime, makes you crabby, and kind of slutty… if memory serves, isn’t that why your unemployed, bum husband started using the drugs and left you, well ‘technically’ he got sent to prison?
I have such hope in my heart for you, and pray for you every day. You are such a sweet dear… when you aren’t drunk, or on drugs, or talking.
God Bless.
The Mailman said
One thing I need to know before I decide whether I stop this filthy habit or not is, are the people in Hell still able to masturbate?
Warrior Jodie said
Whodat Honey know that Im still praying for you that this time, they wont make you wear a sandwich board sign and walk back and forth in of Walmart. Its hard enough on your family knowing what you got arrested for doing in the mens restroom but to make you tell the WHOLE WORLD is just plain spiteful on the part of the police. Did them carpet burns ever heal up?
Brother WhoDat Glory Pines Ministry said
Jodie,
What on earth are you going on about now? Lord woman your imagination really gets the better of you when you are drinking.
By the by, I stopped by your MySpace site and you sure have chosen a lovely photo of yourself. Your hairdo is simply divine, the color almost looks natural, if I didn’t know better.
Brother Bear said
Dearest Friends in Christ:
We just had a discussion of this at my all Male Bible study, and let me tell you that 100% of the men there all said that they DO NOT MASTURBATE!
In fact some of them had know idea what that even meant.
I’m saving myself for marriage and that includes not touching myself in front of Jesus and all my Dead Relatives!
Praise BE!
-bb
Brother Bear said
Brother Whodat:
What on earth is Jodie talking about? You don’t have a wide stance do you?
=bb
Warrior Jodie said
Whodat I am as sober as Judge Harrison Graham III – remember him?
And dont go blaming me if you can control your “witnessing” or at least have the good sense to ask some body before sticking things at some body through a Glory Hole-allaluah without seeing if they are in uniform. Just saying darlin
Warrior Jodie said
Even JUNE GORDON knows better than to drop trow in a WALMART! LOL!
Brother WhoDat Glory Pines Ministry said
Brother Bear,
Pay her no heed she is just hitting the bottle again, she seems lonely without June and Vonda they hate her now, mainly because she is just flat out obnoxious, and her husband, he is on a bender again or in prison, who can keep it straight. Poor thing is hurting and is lashing out at the ones she loves, like us, me in particular… she never quite got over me, poor, lonely, pathetic, old gal.
We should pray for her, and all the other drunken sluts, stumbling home, blearey eyed, lost, and confused this fine morning.
Oh and thanks for the brownies, I love how you used candied pecans, very creative and the caramel drizzel on the top was simply divine!
YIC
Sister Mabel Gargula said
Jodie, you better stop! You’re going to get them to ban all the women in the congregation from using the Internets again!
Tempus said
Hi, I read in the first comment that it is wrong to masturbate because you spill the seed. So if I masturbate on to another person or animal, is that still a sin? Or what if I masturbate into a cup and save it, then that isn’t spilling my seed, is it?
Warrior Jodie said
SIster Mabel if theres one thing I learned from Mrs. Crockett its to state the truth no matter how hard it is. When I would wake up behind some gas station with my btiches around my ankles or find myself in a motel room with a gun to my head alls I could think about was getting another drink but the Lord jesus has delivered me from that and I pray real hard them days are behind me. But we cant go living a lie and pretending the SICK things we do WHODAT dont happen. God dont like PRETENDERS and he deals with them like sending a cop to the bathroom with them or having they wife find dirty web sites DONT HE WHODAT.
Aint no body here any better than the next person and that is a damn fact. You a good woman MABEL dont let no body tell you other wise or scare you into thinkin differntly.
Warrior Jodie said
OH my precious daughter VONDA did my hair herself just this week now that shes in cosmetological school. I think she did a might fine job and for $3.00 she can give a student rate to any body!
Brother WhoDat Glory Pines Ministry said
Jodie,
You are such a sweet thing, easily angered and confused, but so very sweet, deep down. Bless you dearest. Oh, just a tip for you, I have found that if you have trouble with your slacks falling down, a nice belt can help.
Mother Yancy said
Dear Jodie
You have had such trials in your life, child I pray for you daily. I want you to know that I don’t hold it against you at all that your husband jumped bail on the bond I wired to the Bibb County Jail here a while back. It’s not your fault at all. The last time I talked to June Gordon she tried to let on that she knew I was mad at you and honey that is not the case. However, I did sell the bond to a big colored man from Atlanta who was starting up a bounty hunter agency. I only made 10 percent on it, but that’s business. Lynelle and Frank out to look into those. They are an unusual investment, I grant you. I found him through an ad in Soldier of Fortune magazine.
God is Love
Youth Pastor Steve said
I want to thank all the commentators today on this post. I have gotten so many new ideas to use atthe next Baptist Teen Boys Camporama. As you might imagine these little things pop up all the time.
PTL
Trixxie said
Amen Paster Steve: I’ll be bring the tea cakes and ockcay ingray again.
Brother WhoDat Glory Pines Ministry said
What in heavens name is an ‘ockcay ingray’, you boys are trying to slip in something naughty throught the back door of the cabin, like Liquor or rock music? Or are you just messin’ with Pastor Steves head again?
MOD TODD SEZ: Reminder. We speak only American in here. Foreign tongues excite June Gordon too much. Thank you.
Confused said
girls and women do not have the physical capacity to achieve orgasm
Doesn’t surprise me at all that you came to this conclusion.
Warrior Jodie said
Dear Mother Yancey you always been such a sweet old woman, like my own grandmother except she passed on way before she became senile and a burden to her children. I have always wanted to thank you for everything you tried to do for Shane. God know every body was so nice in trying to get him off the dope but once JUNE mailed him that picture of her naked snatcharonni it sent him off onto a drug binge and as you know we havent seen him in 11 months. If your old colored bounty hunter finds him, to bad you couldnt afford DOG and BETH, I hope they are good to him or at least let him die in peace. One more month and I can have Shane declared dead and collect his pension. I can only apolergize for myself but I know Shane was really sorry for the trouble he and Mr. Yancy got into. Had he known your boy had “that” problem he would have nefver taken him into a skating rink on toddler night.
Know you all I pray for every day and hope that one day once WHODAT gets his little troubles behind him we can have a BBQ. I’ll makew the cole slaw again but this time with no Vodka.
Warrior Jodie said
Aint that the truth CONFUSED! Aint hard to distiquish the men from the little boys round here is it honey?
Warrior Jodie said
Any kind of language that sounds like a grunt or groan excites June Gordon. Its a sicknes she has and I believe its spread to a man or two round here as well aint it?
The Monie Willis Prayer Warriors are looking in to that matter, Jodie, and as much as your geniune concern is appreciated, it simply isnt required. Thank you.
Brother WhoDat Glory Pines Ministry said
My Lord Jodie! Who put a burr under your saddle today?
Honestly, someone needs to just turn you over their knee and give you a good what for to get you back in line. With you as a wife, and that smart mouth, I can’t be sure if your husband is in jail or in hiding.
Oh, and bless you dear sister.
Nikita said
Masturbation isn’t really self harm, in fact it’s pretty normal and acceptable.
The same as been a lesbian and a Scientologist is although the mod saw fit to mock that.
Confused said
Awwww, Nikita, you’re a Scientologist? Darn, I thought you were more astute than that…
Nikita said
Confused, I was raised Scientologist.
MOD TODD SEZ: Bring in the violins on cue. Then when music fades, go into the whole lesbo angle. Then fade to black. How’s your Mazeratti running these days, Sappho?
Fat Jenny said
“Honestly, someone needs to just turn you over their knee and give you a good what for to get you back in line.”
Can you say that again but slower this time?
Mod note: Corpulence is nothing to be proud of.
Carpal Tunnel of Love said
This has to be a joke. I mean, come on.
Oh yeah Mod, I’m back with my emo foul mouth. Look at me, I can swear all the time. Who **unChristian word deleted**. I have such a bad mouth. Oh yea and I know, I’m boring. Oh well, you can **unChristian suggestion deleted**.
BJ Tabor said
My goodness. After reading this article about Onanism I didn’t realize it was that bad. I am sick to think I have touched the door handles used by secularists. Truly Jesus only knows the corpses of how many pre-conceived were smeared over them. I think I am going to start wearing gloves.
This brings up a question. Brother David T at my church just hurt his back. Now you are saying self touching causes spinal injuries. As horrible as it is to think Brother David T may be doing this is something I need to bring up with my Pastor, that we have a self-abuser in our church?
Proud Atheist 2 said
Um…. again, where do you get your facts from?
A. A survey by the government with regestered men going door to door to count these facts
B. You (most likely) made them up
C. “God” (when in doubt…)
Proud Atheist 2 said
Nikita,
Sorry for sounding ignorant in asking this, but is scientology more of a philosiphy or a religion?
Proud Atheist 2 said
P.S.
Just wanted to let you all know I masterbate 2 times a week and am still w/ my girlfriend :p
Confused said
Proud Atheist,
Scientology is a religion… some people will say it’s a philosphy, but it’s called the Church of Scientology. It was made up by Science Fiction writer L. Ron Hubbard in his book Dianetics. He made up the religion on a bet he made with someone as to wether or not he could make up a religion and make up any money on it. They believe that an alien named Xenu dumped a bunch of alien beings into volcanos on Earth and killed them 75 million years ago and these ancient spirits are what cause all of our maladies.
I know, it’s even weirder than believing that some dude was born of a virgin who was impregnated by God and then walked on water.
Sister Mabel Gargula said
Confused,
You are so right about Scientology! It’s creepy weird. Some people will believe anything!
Mitch from Chicago said
Sneaky filter. As I was saying this is the best update in months. More from Mrs. TDGC please.
Proud Atheist 2 said
It’s not that much more crazy than birth from a virgin and water to wine…
Confused said
Atheist, I agree… if you had read my whole post, you would have seen that.
BJ Tabor said
Confused @ I know, it’s even weirder than believing that some dude was born of a virgin who was impregnated by God and then walked on water.
You have Christianity all wrong; we Christians believe God impregnated His own mother without effecting her virginity. Remember the Trinity; God=Holy Spirit=Jesus? Please don’t distort our beliefs like you did or we Christians come out as bizarre as the Scientologists.
Proud Atheist 2 said
Ya, I saw it, just commenting on Sister Mabel’s remark.
(Meanwhile, still waiting to be told where this site gets their facts from…)
Proud Atheist 2 said
Ya, I saw it, just commenting on Sister Mabel’s remark.
(Meanwhile, still waiting to be told where this site gets their facts from…)
BJ,
So… God screwed Mary?
The facts come straight from the Bible.
BJ Tabor said
Proud Atheist 2 So… God screwed Mary?
No, don’t be silly. The Bible says in Luke 1:35 The Holy Ghost came upon Mary.
Proud Atheist 2 said
“came upon” , isn’t that up for interpretation?
No.
Proud Atheist 2 said
Where in the bible does it say 2 out of 3 men who masturbate kill themselves?
MOD TODD SEZ: How should I know? Go look it up yourself, nitwit. You simpletons as SOOOOO lazy!
IndyStevie said
What a joke.
I would would really like to see the scientific, peer-reviewed source for the ‘FACT’ column.
MOD TODD SEZ: Who do you propose as the Peers? You are a MORON. This job is so easy with nitwits like you who only know catchphrases. Yancy’s paying me to have fun.
Azrael Hunt said
we Christians believe God impregnated His own mother without effecting her virginity.
You’re not helping your credibility, here. Consider what your response would be if it had been anyone other than your deity who’d impregnated their own mother before their own birth, without taking her virginity to boot.
The facts come straight from the Bible.
Where in the Bible does it tell you that “90% of all men who masturbate will have one or more STD’s in their life. 53% will die from a sexually related disease”?
BJ Tabor said
Azrael Hunt @ You’re not helping your credibility, here. Consider what your response would be if it had been anyone other than your deity who’d impregnated their own mother before their own birth, without taking her virginity to boot.
How so? What I described is conventional Christian belief. Go to any main stream Christian pastor and he will agree with that statement.
shadesofgrey said
“No, don’t be silly. The Bible says in Luke 1:35 The Holy Ghost came upon Mary.”
Wouldn’t the Holy Ghost have to masturbate to “come upon” Mary without having intercourse?
MOD TODD SEZ: You are nasty.
BJ Tabor said
shadesofgay @ Wouldn’t the Holy Ghost have to masturbate to “come upon” Mary without having intercourse?
What are you trying to do here? Make God look insane. It is simple; God can’t/won’t break His own law and touch Himself friend. You have remember God had Himself baptized as Jesus, He repented of His depravity and accepted Jesus (which is Himself) as His personal savior. This means God is born again, so even if God did that vulgar and disgusting act you are suggesting He did, He forgave Himself of it which means it never happened.
Linus said
Y’know, most Christians who know what they’re talking about don’t have any issue with masturbation… for example, Dr. James Dobson, in a book geared towards assisting teenagers with the various issues that arise during adolescence, said, quite clearly, that there was no problem with masturbation.
J. Jo Jo Shabadoo Jnr said
I praised God by spanked my throbbing purple eyed whitesnake over a picture of Jesus our lord and saviour, but I was thinking of Lynelle Bryant whilst spanking (You foxy lady you). So thats not a sin, right?
J. Jo Jo Shabadoo Jnr said
Oh and another thing, if God visits the mens room and after doing his business, shakes his Serpent of Rehaboam more than 5 times, does that count as him touching himself?
J. Jo Jo Shabadoo Jnr said
I read in Woman’s Day magazine a while back that 95% of the Europeans, Latinos and Mexicans didn’t have their babies boys cut when they were little. It is a known fact that uncircumcised males abuse themselves a lot more than the normal ones.
Jesus is the Mexican guy that cleans my pool. By your theory, you’re implying that Jesus loves to do it himself, enjoys sharpening his pencil, takes pride in bringing himself to climax over a copy of Swank magazine. Explain that one?!?!? I think you have just fudged yourself in the twinkie hole with that theory!!!
Nikita said
Firstly Mod Tod, what are you blathering about, your not making much sense, I haven’t bought in the violins at any point ever, and what’s a Mazeratti?.
To the others that asked, Scientology is a Religion, this Xenu stroy is something I go along with sometimes to apease the others but in truth I don’t know where you got your facts from, because this isn’t one of our core beliefs.
Brother Stanton Archibald said
For those who would like to know, Scientology is **malicious slander removed by Scientology legal team (which controls speed, time, and the internet)**.
James said
I love this midwest bible crazy **unChristian word deleted** site….great work. I loved the “fact” that -girls and women do not have the physical capacity to achieve orgasm HA! Thats great….funny stuff. When I first found this site I thought they were **unChristian word deleted** , but now that I know its **unChristian word deleted** I come here for **unChristian words deleted**
BJ Tabor said
Nikita @ To the others that asked, Scientology is a Religion, this Xenu stroy is something I go along with sometimes to apease the others but in truth I don’t know where you got your facts from, because this isn’t one of our core beliefs.
Look Nikita; as a Christian I find it really hard to accept the validity of a religions founded by self proclaimed holy men whose central claim to divinity is they were convicted of capital crimes. Since when has plotting to undermine the state been a spiritual act? Scientology sounds more like a subversive movement among a bunch of mendicants who claim all their talk of revolution is mere theological metaphor.
Nikita said
BJ I think you’re getting your facts messed up, L Ron Hubbard was never convicted of any capital crimes, and say what you want about Scientology, but were not the ones trying to tell people to change their lives dramaticly or they will all go to hell.
Proud Atheist 2 said
Mod,
retorical question. I read the Bible twice. I don’t exactly remember those facts…
Helen Bock said
Historical facts:
Beethoven masturbated and went deaf.
Nietzsche masturbated and went mad.
Oscar Wilde masturbated and became a homosexual.
Ray Charles masturbated and went blind.
100% of masturbaters die.
Brother Stanton Archibald said
Perhaps, “Proud Atheist,” you should read the Bible again. With the blessing of Our Lord, perhaps this time you may understand it.
Third time’s the charm.
Sister Mabel Gargula said
You know what they say, Brother Stanton, you can lead a fish to water but you can’t make it drink.
qzpm said
I’ve been offline for too long, this needs to be clarified: girls can most defintely orgasm. In fact, we can have better orgasms because we have vaginal, clitoral and sometimes simultaneus orgasms.
Sorry guys, you can lie about history and pretend there’s a Hell, but you can’t deny the female orgasm.
Mod note: If you think you’re having “orgasms,” it’s the Devil causing you to hallucinate. You should consult with your pastor immediately.
qzpm said
100% of non-masturbaters don’t exist.
Mod note: Don’t be ridiculous. What is true, though, is that 100% of non-believers are going to Hell.
Anonymous said
*Sigh*
What is this crock of **unChristian word deleted**?, im sure the mass of people who watch porn will know who that females can have orgasms, in you need to do further readng in this field, please visit **unChristian link deleted**, and look for orgasms.
—————————————————-
Your Good Friend Anonymous
Mod note: Sure, and while we’re looking for orgasms, we’ll look for unicorns and leprechauns, too.
The Brain said
Is Pinky here?.
Anonymous said
Sorry mod, they dont do **unChristian words deleted**, but they do have **unChristian word deleted** im sure they will help you sort your **unChristian words deleted**
———————————————
Your Good Friend Anonymous
Anonymous said
Any paticular reason **unChristian word deleted** is unChristian? everyone likes **unChristian word deleted**! their gods **unChristian words deleted**
————————————–
Your Good Friend Anonymous
Neophyte said
So let me see if I understand this, it’s a sin to masturbate but it’s ok if you get a young boy to do it for you after you get him back to the rectory and ply him with communion wine?
Mod note: We’re not Catholics! Heavens!
Neophyte said
Oh, and I’m masturbating right now.
Sister Mabel Gargula said
I haven’t seen Pinky in a while.
I wonder where she went? I hope she wasn’t vaporized during one of her spells.
Brother Stanton Archibald said
Nikita, L. Ron Hubbard may not have ever been convicted of any capital crimes, but neither has Hellary Clinton. So what exactly does that prove?
Mod note: In both cases, the key word is convicted.
Nikita said
Well I would say it would prove attempted deformation of charecter on your part.
cunning said
Your figures:
among the more funny things i’ve ever read. working on the basis 95% of men and 25% of women masturbate at least a few times in their teenage years you would be expecting one hell of a lot of homo’s, beaseality, incest and STD’s. Im not sure which is more funny… whomever came up with your stats, Or that some of you actually beleive them!
Your Beliefs:
Are base level foolish. i normally try not to mock your views too much but this is asking for it. I truelly pity your children. This section of the bible was there to try and make the christian faith spread and simply as a law of politeness. It’s simular to your no contraceptives rule. A brilliant way to create more Christians… unfortunatley also a brilliant way to encourage the spread of HIV world wide… nice one guys
Don’t bother with the burning in hell bits. I’ve heard it all before.
Sister Mabel Gargula said
Cunning,
You’re so silly! There was no HIV in humans yet when the Bible was written. Besides, only heathens get HIV.
cunning said
Mabel ~ i never said there was… I’m just saying that the Churches block on contraceptives, especialy in the developing world, are criminal for that reason.
likewise HIV can be gained by other ways than unprotected sex. admitedly the majority of these however are what you would i suppose call “damning”. Religion however is neither a protection nor a block against HIV.
Sister Mabel Gargula said
Cunning,
It depends on the “religion.” If you’re a member of one of these cults, no it’s not. As a follower of the only true religion, I’m confident that God will protect me.
qzpm said
Wait, you believe female orgasm is a hallucination? Where does it say that in the Bible? Please, provide some form of scripture that states that is is wrong and/or impossible for women to orgasm.
Sister Mabel Gargula said
qzpm,
That is such a tedious argument! Where in the Bible does it say that it’s wrong to eat puppies and kittens? Where in the Bible does it say that it’s wrong to boil your baby in oil? Where in the Bible does it say that it’s wrong to lock your elderly mother in a closet for the weekend while you’re out of town because you don’t have anyone to care for her? Nowhere, that’s where! The Bible can’t cover every single little eventuality! Use your brain! Some things are just so wrong, you just know that Jesus doesn’t approve!
Mod note: Mabel dearest, you seem rather upset today. Have you taken your medication?
qzpm said
Ok, here goes:
The Bible doesn’t say it’s wrong to eat puppies, because if you’re starving, it’s not. People usually don’t eat them because they’re considered domestic animals and are not the best source of meat available.
The whole question of boiling your baby in oil is covered by the commandment against murder.
You probably shouldn’t lock your mother in the closet because it’s cruel and it also breaks the commandment that says to honor your parents.
So, why do you believe it’s wrong for a woman to have an orgasm? It harms no one, it’s by no means cruel, and the Bible in no way, shape, or form forbids or discourages it.
I do hope I’m not upsetting you Mabel, if this is too much to think of when you’re so busy with your wedding plans you could have someone else debate this for you. I promise I wouldn’t think you’re backing down or anything, I just know you have so much else to do right now! I hope you’re feeling well!
cunning said
Heh, disbelief in the female orgasm is just foolish old men who suck in bed trying to justify it and women who have never had a decent lover being taken in.
cunning said
Mabel. Thats all very well for you to write on here but i get the feeling if it came down to it you wouldnt have the maryrs faith. What i think you really mean is being in the community you are in you do not have to come into contact with the virus.
You lot do some missionary work in Africa if i recall correctly. how do the christians over there fair? if im not mistaken the answer is very badly.
qzpm ~ may i point out your posts always make me both laugh and smile. nice to know theres some posotive influences around here
Sister Mabel Gargula said
qzpm,
You’re mixing apples and bananas. We didn’t say it’s wrong for a woman to have an orgasm; it just doesn’t happen. It’s wrong for a man or a woman to masturbate. Where does it say that in the Bible? I direct your attention to:
Ephesians 5:3
1 Corinthians 6:19-20
1 Corinthians 10:31
Romans 14:23
That should get you started in your Bible studies for today.
cunning said
I’m pretty sure all of those refer to men Mabel… the logic in that being evident.
Sister Mabel Gargula said
cunning,
I’m afraid that I don’t understand your point.
cunning said
Mabel ~ well, your telling a girl masturbation is wrong. the scripture you are refering to suggests that it is wrong for a ‘man’ to masturbate (implied or in verse). This being because female masturbation does not in any way stop, hinder or get in the way of her sex drive.
Sister Mabel Gargula said
cunning,
You obviously did not read the Scripture that I provided for your spiritual education. I can’t possibly have a discussion with you on this topic if you won’t even read the Verses that I pointed you to. You’re assuming what their meaning is.
cunning said
I read the corinthians verses. I freely admit i did not read the others and am basing my observations on such.
do the others difer greatly?
cunning said
Mabel ~ I couldn’t interpret anything of relevence from this mabel. this is most likely just me, would you be willing to expplain it for me.
Ephesians 5:3:
“But fornication, and all uncleanness, or covetousness, let it not be once named among you, as becometh saints;”
Sister Mabel Gargula said
In that Verse, the Bible tells us to avoid even the appearance of sexual immorality. I doubt that masturbation can pass that test. A good test for whether something is a sin is whether you would be proud to tell your mother what you had just done. If you would be embarrassed to tell your mother what you had done, it is very likely that it is a sin. Another test is whether you can honestly, in good conscience, ask God to bless and use the particular activity for His own good purposes. I don’t believe that masturbation qualifies as something we can be proud of or can genuinely thank God for.
Nikita said
Mabel have you taken your medication?.
cunning said
Suppose it depends how you look at it. If a lonley old mans masturbation stops him perving at young girls then you can be thankfull for it
simularly, there are things you would not tell your mother, which you are not necisarily ashamed of.
could that verse in fact simply be telling people not to talk of it? to respect each others privacy?
Mod note: No.
qzpm said
Mabel?
I’m sorry, we were on different thoughts I guess. What I was really meaning to ask is why you don’t believe in female orgasm? I’ve done it, billions of other women have done it, even you admitted to having done it before the head injury. In another post I read that it was a sin for a woman to try to derive pleasure from intercourse, but I don’t understand why. I’m willing to accept the fact that you believe sex is wrong unless intended for procreation, and that explains the condemnation of masturbation, but why would it be wrong for a woman to orgasm during a sex act with her husband in the process of trying to conceive a child? Then man orgasms, why not the woman? A woman’s orgasm only aides in allowing sperm to reach the egg, so I would imagine it would be encouraged by a people that wants to see intercourse kept to a minimum. Since female orgasm is scientifically proven to exist, and I myself have experienced it, I’m going to need a better argument than just denials of the female capacity to come. So, tell me, why and based on what scripture do you believe that a woman cannot and should not have an orgasm?
Thanks for your time everyone, I know it was a long post!
MOD TODD SEZ: And exceedingly tedious, as are almost all of your missives. We have no budget around here for modafinil or any other anti-narcolepsy drug. Lord, give us strength!
Azrael Hunt said
Mod note: No.
And that’s definitely how to go about a debate.
I have to agree with cunning. If masturbation distracts a male who is both interested in and capable of reproduction, then I can see where you might object to it; however, condemning if outright is just narrow-minded.
If it engages someone who might otherwise vent any sexual frustration of an unwilling victim – a USE, as this site so delightfully puts it – or, as cunning said, an elderly lecher from preying upon young women, or indeed if it is an alternative to the homosexual liasons that you consider such anathema, then it cannot be an entirely bad thing.
The Ephesians passage has been discissed above. But I’m confused about the relevance of the other passages you pointed out;
1Cor 6:19-20
Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.
I don’t actually see anything here mentioning masturbation, or any other such practise; indeed, this passage seems to me more dedicated to the upkeep of the body in terms of exercise, good food and the like.
1Cor 10:31
So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.
Are you here implying that, if you must masturbate, then dedicate it to teh glory of teh Lord?
Romans 14:23
But the man who has doubts is condemned if he eats, because his eating is not from faith; and everything that does not come from faith is sin.
Once again, I fail to see teh relevance of this particular passage to the topic at hand. It seems – although I could be wrong – to be in regards to eating.
Azrael Hunt said
And as an aside, please excuse the frequent typos in my above post; “teh” should be “the”, and that and any other typographical errors I can only attribute to the late hour and a slightly malfunctioning keyboard.
Nikita said
Any woman who denies that we can have orgasms obviously has a rubbish lover.
MOD TODD SEZ: Would that be a man who prefers rolling in garbage (dumpster diving) to actual sexual relations with one’s lawfully married spouse?
qzpm said
Hey Nikita! How are you?
Ok blog-writers and Baptist-Republican-”Christians” who post here, this is what I’m talking about, no one even attempts to give decent, relevant answers. Either you’ve realized I’m right, or you already knew I was right and can no longer come up with a way to play devil’s advocate without sounding entirely moronic.
Sister Mabel Gargula said
Dear qzpm,
How DARE you claim that we are in league with Satan! We answer your questions over and over and over. You don’t like our answers so you claim that we haven’t given any. I’m sorry that God’s Truth is not to your liking, but we have answered your questions.
Look At the Crap that is Spewed by “Repubaptists” « William’s Soapbox: you can disagree but you would still be wrong. said
[...] Look At the Crap that is Spewed by “Repubaptists” Beating Satan, Not Your Penis [...]
cunning said
Mabel, i find it amusing you getting angry at anyone for being allegedly in league with Satan. i get told i am almost every other post! though if you were to re read the phrase you would notice it is infact a literary reference
and not meant as an insult of that kind
Sister Mabel Gargula said
cunning,
I just don’t see how telling us that we are advocates of the devil could be a literary reference, but if you say so…. The reason that I was so offended is because we are not, in fact, in league with Satan. We are Godly Christians (Republican Baptists). You, on the other hand, are not a Godly Christian (Republican Baptist) and therefore are a sinner and a heathen. It’s not meant as an insult – just a statement of fact. God bless!
cunning said
in which case he could be stating a similar fact. just as you could consider catholics freinds of the devil.
From Wikipedia,:
The phrase “let me play devil’s advocate” or equivalent is used in group discussions to counter groupthink; the speaker is about to say something counter to the perceived group consensus and does not want to be personally ostracized for this. An example is Adlai Stevenson’s prefatory remark “Someone in this group has to be a coward” before making an unpopular case for conciliation and negotiation in the movie Thirteen Days.
hope that clears that up.
oh, and i may not be a republican baptist, but im definitely not a heathen
June Gordon said
After reading this piece, the only thing going thru my mind was “I could sure go for some trouser-gravy right about now!”
Brother Yancy, USN Ret. said
Is that made with flour or cornstarch?
Sister Mary Jane said
With all due respect, Onan was NOT punished for masturbation. He was punished for disobeying the Lord’s law that if a man died without leaving an heir, it was his brother’s duty to continue his line. Onan did not want any children from his brother’s widow, since they would carry his brother’s name, so during the act of intercourse he removed his **unChristian word deleted** before **unChristian word deleted** and would spill his **unChristian word deleted** upon the ground, or bed, or whatever they had so as not to make his brother’s widow pregnant. Please check your Biblical facts next time.
Nikita said
Hi Qzpm, I’m good thank you
hot4jesus said
omgggggggosh i’m masturbaing right noooooooooooooooow to this articleeeeeee
Mother Yancy said
Well, ain’t you just a filthy little heathen!
qzpm said
Thanks Cunning! I’ve been busy, I didn’t get a chance to follow up on responses before now, so I appreciate you explaining a little for me
I should have known that one wouldn’t go over well
Mabel, I’m sorry to mislead you, I by no means meant to say you’re in league with any devils! The phrase “playing devil’s advocate” simply refers to when someone argues a point not because they agree with it, but only in order to show another person the holes in their opposing argument. Don’t worry, I would never intentionally accuse you of consorting with non-existant beings!
Anyway, does someone have an answer for my earlier stated questions or am I to take this as a victory? Some scientific documentation disproving the existance of the **unChristian word deleted** and/or **unChristian imaginary word deleted**? Perhaps (and this would really be best) even a Bible verse that says something to the effect of “Thou shalt not get off if thou art woman!”?
Sister Mabel Gargula said
Dear qzpm,
Goodness, are you going to make me go over this again? Sheesh. I’m busy! I have pies to bake, and I’m trying to slog my way through another book. I’m going to have another book report soon! Isn’t that exciting?!
Anyhoo, as I’ve stated before (over and over again), it’s not that God or the Bible is against women having orgasms, it’s simply that we can’t! It’s science! On second though, I guess God is against it because He made us incapable of them.
God *is* against masturbation by anyone, man or woman. I’ve listed several Bible verses up above. If you have further questions on that topic, let me know.
God bless!
Brother WhoDat Glory Pines Ministry said
Qzpm,
Let me tell you something, I have been married for going on 20 years so I am quite the expert on sex with a gal, and there is no such thing as a female orgasm, heck if there was I would have seen one. Granted, some women ‘fake’ one for their simpering, low self esteem ‘men’, let me tell you something real men couldn’t care less, that is where the myth of the female orgasm comes from those women who ‘fake’ them. Honestly, have you ever heard of a man ‘faking’ an orgasm.
I hope that helped clear things up for you. Your friend in Christ.
qzpm said
Wait, so why don’t you believe in the **unChristian word deleted** ? It’s not a curse word, and it does exist:
**unChristian link deleted**
Whodat, tell your wife I said I’m sorry to hear that she hasn’t had an orgasm, that’s a terrible way to live.
qzpm said
Oops, almost forgot to answer Mabel!
I’m looking forward to reading your next book report! I posted a link above, hopefully they won’t moderate it out, it’s a link explaining a female body part that provides sexual pleasure for the female.
Brother Yancy, USN Ret. said
Oh, I have a link to a body part that allows us to communicate with space aliens. Let me see, what did I do with that….
Bob said
I would be willing to bet that whodat’s wife has indeed had an orgasm during their 20 years of marriage. It doesn’t mean that he had to be present for it to occur.
cait said
this report is so sad its humourous
Brother WhoDat Glory Pines Ministry said
While I agree that the horrid, filthy, foul sin of masturbation is in fact really sad, I fail to see the humor in all of these young men burning in bowels of hell for eternity.
Oh and welcome Cait. Yours In Christ.
Arn Lewis said
Who Dat,,, the reason your wife has never had an orgasm is because you are unable to give her one,,, if you used your tongue and fingers a bit and prolonged the foreplay, then you would see that female orgasms are real,,, they just don’t happen with the wham bam thank you maam approach used by Republican Baptists.
Mod Note: Please take your pornographic talk elsewhere. I have met dear Mrs Whodat and she is a good Christian (republican Baptist) and a proper lady you shouldn’t speak of her in such a filty manner. Thank you.
Arn Lewis said
you know,,, you would be just a tad bit more believable if you would quit putting (Republican Baptist) after it every time you say the word Christian,,, you don’t have to be Republican or Baptist to be Christian,,, oh, never mind,, you still wouldn’t be believable. Think I’ll just go mastubate now, then maybe go over and fornicate with my neighbor’s wife.
qzpm said
Wait, so do you deny the existance of any other real body parts in this religion? Like, “yeah, there’s no such thing as the **unChristian word deleted**, the liver, the right lung, or the pinky toe on the left foot of males.” Since you’re denying physical reality now, I think you should go ahead and run with it. Don’t half-ass insanity, take it all the way.
cait said
I’m going to choose to ignore the fact that you have twisted my words around
Sane Person said
Jesus did not want mothers to shoot their son’s, it’s murderers not masturbaters that will burn in hell. women can get orgasms, you obivioulsy can’t cause them.
DK/Jesus said
HAHAHA, im sorry i know my posts pop up everywhere and have been deemed un-christian and badly worded/spelt. ((that is the correct spelling in ENGLAND YOU STUPID MODS)). but come on, “god watches you masturbate”. how wrong is that, it true, god likes to watch why else woudl he keep sex considering that sex is a sin, being the result of sex makes you hell worthy, and adam and eve and jesus were all created without sex. come on he is some sick old man sat in a church with lots of kids. like most reverends these days
EFG said
in b4 modreap
MOD TODD SEZ: Again, please don’t come in here drunk. You really make no sense at all. If you must drink like that go over to Andrew Sullivan’s blog. He’s Irish – and gay – and so he won’t notice.
EFG said
Not drunk thanks
DK-san said
i love how mod todd really has no idea that his entire belief system is upheld by paedophilic reverends that sodomise young boys. yes i don’t use correct capatalisation. i don’t care. mod todd has a stick up his arse so big he can scratch his brain((however small that may be)) with it
Dale said
I want to know where you got these statistics.
Also as the majority of people masturbate then chances are masturbaters will commint any offence out there, it’s just like saying that people that eat food will kill someone as a proportion of food eaters have killed someone, this is retarded and pointless.
Your lord and savior
Dale xox
Ashyen said
Lol at the title and picture.
You people DO realize masturbation lowers sexual desire, so that people who masturbate are known to commit LESS sex offenses that people who don’t… Right?
“Fiction: There is no risk involved whatsoever.”
What the heck? What risk is there? “Oh, no! He’s masturbated! Run away! He’ll kill us!”
*rolls eyes*
Eric said
This really helped me and has helped me to make up my mind and quit masturbation for good. Thank you.
AtheismRules said
This is the most ignorant article I’ve ever read. Exactly what research are these facts based on? You cite no sources, and only prove how closed-minded and uneducated you all are. “Democrats practice self-abuse 10 times more often than Republicans due to their lack of morals.” Really??? Where is this information coming from, your ass?
Oh, I forgot, you religious nut-jobs base all of your beliefs and lives on a fictional book, so I wouldn’t put it past you to spew out this fictional bullshit.
Alex said
it’s saddening that there are still people in the world that want to control others in the most primal way, to control people’s most basic urges
It’s a shame the human race hasn’t moved beyond that
darkdoomer said
fake or not, i bet christian extremists are this retarded.
Valzahd said
Wow. At first I thought this was a joke. Then I realised you can’t fake this kind of non-sense. It’s this type of control and outright lying that turned me away from the church.
I’m not an atheist, I’m an agnostic. I’m so arrogant to claim to know how the universe works, and I also acknowledge I can’t disprove god or whatever high power is out there, if any. So that leaves me with just my daily life.
Any anyone who has taken a basic level of human biology should know a little something about how your body works. It’s not evil that pushes your children to masterbate, it’s a little thing called HORMONES. It’s when the body becomes sexually mature, it happens to EVERYONE. If you deny it you’re lying to not only us, but to yourselves.
Kids have enough confusion when hitting puberty. Last thing they need is their own parents telling them feelings they can’t stop are evil. How soon we forget our own childhood huh?
These “stats” are an insult. Anyone with a sliver of common sense would know these aren’t true. How would you even go about finding this information out anyway? I don’t remember some national survey going out that asked me if I masterbated and had sex with animals.
Quiet pushing your self rightious ideals on people. If god hates it, let him deal out the punishment. After all, you’re all just preparing for your journey to heaven, I doubt some of us, since you know doubt think I’m some lost soul, will effect your access to heaven.
Nathaniel said
These comments are full of very narrow-minded people. You should all live a little. Not in fear.
DeeJay said
Let’s see here…
Repeated masturbation will lead to penile dysfunction, spinal injury, and prostate cancer.
Incorrect. Scientific (that’s actual science, not some mumbo-jumbo hocus-pocus out of a work of fiction the true meaning of which has been twisted to suit people’s needs and/or lost in translation over hundreds of years) studies have shown conclusively that masturbating on a regular basis decreases the chances of contracting prostate cancer. FACT.
67% of men who masturbate will become addicted to pornography, lose their jobs and families, and develop a severe depression.
Masturbation has been stated by qualified practitioners of psychiatry (again, actual psychiatrists, see above) to be a confirmed method of relieving depression.
Tj said
(To start off with, I guess I should state that I would consider myself a Christian, and that I believe Chirst died for my sins and all that)
Anyway, after reading this article, it took me a long time to figure out what to say. The thing is, if the Bible says masturbation isn’t the Christian thing to do, isn’t that enough? You have backed up your claims with absurd statistics, almost to the point that I thought this article wasn’t even real. And your claim that all masturbaters will “burn in hell”. As a former athiest, I can safely say that I would not listen to anyone who tells me I’m going to burn in hell. Why not focus on the positive side of Christianity? Like saying “Masturbation is an addiction, but through Chirst you can conquer it, and realise you don’t need it.”
Sorry for my giant comment
~Tj
Science and Mathematics said
haha good god this is some fucked up shit.
rofl said
every guy masterbates, sorry to burst your bubble
timmay! said
i’ll stop masturbating when proof of jesus’ existance is very evident and the teachings of the bible correspond with the current known world.
also, 20% of the world is a registered sex offender and another 66% are homosexual and practice incest? el oh fuckin el. good one.
Common Sense said
I can’t believe this tripe. You people call yourselves Christians, and yet surround yourself in ignorance.
“And those who question His orders will literally be damned for their infidelity.” – Archibald
If you don’t challenge what you believe in, your faith is rocky and untested. You’ll fail. Oh and please show me the verse where God damns someone to hell for questioning why He did something the way He did. God doesn’t want mindless robots. Sigh.
Every man masturbates, and those who say they don’t are lying or are physically unable to. As to this verse, “Genesis 38:8-10 records the incident where God slew Onan for purposely spilling his seed, ie. Masturbation.”
He was killed for disobedience, not masturbation. Doesn’t anyone study the Bible critically any more? Makes me sick to call myself a Christian, knowing there is so much ignorance about.
DP said
HAHAHAA YOU GUYS ARE FUCKING AMAZING. IM SERIOUS. SO SERIOUS I DECIDED TO GO AND RE-READ THE WHOLE THING WHILE PLAYING WITH MY DICK. HAHA I LOVE YOU GUYS. WHERE CAN I SIGN UP?
skitzo said
Much of what is posted here is true. I was a chronic masturbator, and it did leave to severe depression. My my problem was, the only way I could cum while masturbating was to choke myself. This extremely vile and violent act had many problems, the main problem being, it was not a silent act. My last day at work, I was caught in the bathroom by my CEO with a belt around my neck while jerking my magic stick. Needless to say, he was disgusted, after a brief lecture about my loose morals, I was fired. My wife at the time found out, she left me. The next few weeks were pure agony, my wife and boss spread the word around town about my deviant behavior and I was unable to find work, and I was unable to go out in public without being ridiculed. One day, at my lowest point, I committed suicide. I always heard that if you were going to slit your wrists, you should fill a bathtub with warm water and do it there. There are three reasons for this:
1) It prevents clotting.
2) Easy cleanup for the police, they just pull the drain and no blood.
3) As your body loses blood, you become extremely cold and it is very painful.
So, there I was, wrist slit and patiently awaiting my final destination when the world around me became darker and darker. And in what seemed like an eternity, it was over, I was ready to meet my new master, I was ready to meet Satan. I approached my dark lord and kneeled and asked his bidding. He spoke to me, his voice was that of a child that sang lead in a choir, he said that “My work on this earth was not done” and with that, he sent me back. I woke up in the hospital a day later wondering what he meant. Two weeks had past since my encounter with Satan, and still nothing, I was beginning to worry. Satan is not someone you want to upset, another week passed, nothing, but on the fourth week, I was sent a message. That message was to study, go back to school, earn my degree, and after that run for a position in the government. He said that he would influence that libertarians and democrats to vote for me, he said that he needed me in a position of power in order to lay the ground work for the coming of his Son.
So, I’m about to graduate, and I will run for mayor of this city I am in, and the weird thing about this all, I am no longer ashamed. In fact, it is quite the opposite, I am proud to serve my master.
Steini said
If God is watching people masturbate, surely he must be a gigantic [CARING GOD]?
cyllene said
God does [EDIT] exist.
Steini said
Indeed.
Steini said
Censoring comments won’t cover the facts. A peeper is a pervert.
MOD TODD SEZ: True.
Krowness said
I tamed the cobra at least once a day, or was careful to practice with the sword before going to sleep and as soon as I woke up.
Then I was concerned from the sin and prayed to stop. Nothing worked because prayer is useless and God is fake.
True story.
~Krowness the Viking
IWISHYOUDSHADDAP said
Are you insane or high? Insane seems the most likely outcome, but perhaps you’ve overdosed on something.
Blargh said
I think you mean “not welcome,” rather than “not welcomed.” And that’s only the first error.
FTAGHN said
Ahem.
You cite Leviticus 26:16, which aggravates me.
I’m not sure if you’ve ever even read Leviticus as it basically amounts to a list of Hebrew rules from Moses. Nothing in Leviticus is explicitly mentioned as being sinful but rather that in order to participate in ceremonies these where practices you needed to follow.
How many of you wear mixed fibres or eat shellfish? These are considered to be just as bad as being gay or masturbating in Leviticus. You can’t pick and choose out of context, I’m sorry.
william said
how can God watch us masturbate when he doesn’t exist? that’s what i want to know
Me Being Me. said
This is the biggest joke of a post I have seen here since the Burger King thing.
If everyone who masturbated went to hell, then everyone in the world would be damned, because everyone’s at least tried it. Sorry if you don’t like it, but it’s fact.
Logic said
[b]53% will die from a sexually related disease.
2 of the same 3 men will commit suicide.[/b]
These numbers don’t add up. Your “facts” are faulty.
Franky said
**Conservative Christians ONLY. Liberals, Atheists Not Welcomed.**
THAT’S the Christian attitude we all know and love. Keep up the good work you fucking lunatics.
sakurapassion said
Wow, apparently women don’t masturbate. O_O
Anonymous said
Beating Satan?
Get it? Beating Satan?
Is his semen burning hot in the eye of the believers?
Intelligent said
I was laying in bed, and God came down from heaven only to give me a handjob. Am I damned to hell now?
Atheist 101 said
You ignorant rednecks are really are that fucking dumb aren’t you. You people are a joke
You people are idiots said
You people really are that blind sighted by your own religion aren’t u. Suck my balls you hypocritical dickheads. Go screw yourselves…….. oh wait you cant its a sin
Joel said
you people are pathetic and make me sick
TeabagSalad said
I call Poe.
All of your so called facts are lies. YOU ARE A LIAR.
PragueGuy said
Do I detect a degree of sexual repression on the part of the author? Yupp!
Chris said
This is brilliant. I am having trouble figuring out if anyone on this thread is serious, but I sure had a good laugh over it.
BTW, my daughter is 12 and she masturbates a fair bit, we have just told her to close the door and wash her hands, so we don’t have to know about it. I’m sure my son will, to. It’s perfectly normal and if the list of ‘facts’ on this page is not meant as a joke, then you’re all seriously delusional.
I will tell my wife that women aren’t capable of orgasms. Man, I feel sorry for the wives of the people who believe THAT piece of rubbish.
Paolo said
kudos for invaluntarily posting something so hillariously funny, you idiot
suck my viscous donkey balls you religious fanatic douche.
Seize said
im sorry,
all those FACTS, are general bullshit, and half wrong.
also it’s been proven that masturbation help prevent cancer in the prostate.
you religion nuts are straight up brain washed. Stop giving your money to these corrupt cults!
Susie Q said
Historical facts:
Beethoven masturbated and went deaf.
Nietzsche masturbated and went mad.
Oscar Wilde masturbated and became a homosexual.
Ray Charles masturbated and went blind.
100% of masturbaters die.
So, by this theory people who don’t masturbate live forever? Gosh, Sign me up!
Oh, and girls can definitely get off. It’s all about using the clit(that little love nub girls have.) But nice try in saying that they can’t.
Zealot said
[MODERATOR'S NOTE: I have spared all of you all from reading pornographic trash from unsaved internet trolls.]
Fandom said
I don’t know if this entire site is a joke or not… but I’m gonna assume that it isn’t because that’s a lot of work for a joke. Anyways, assuming that it’s not a joke, allow me to disprove 1 part of your “Facts”.
According to your article, 67% of men of masturbate will lose their jobs, families, etc. Allow me to do some calculations and try to figure this out. Let’s say, 75% of men in the United States masturbate (while in reality it is probably closer to 99.5%). So multiply that by 67%… and whoa… well it says that 50.3% of men in the United States are unemployed. But wait… that’s odd… according to the government, the current unemployment rate as of August 2008 is only 6.1%, and that’s including the women.
I really don’t know what to say. Either the U.S. government is lying… or you are. But what you must be the word of G_d, so the government must be lying to us. And the current U.S. President is Republican… Truly, odd.
Eva said
Bahahahaha wow…. The stupidity of this amazes me…
I believe those statistics are what we, in the sane world, call fictitious.
June Gordon said
Please you all pray 4 me.
I feel so dang dirty today.
I took to much medicine (or may be it was just stronger than what I usual make) and found me one of them disgusting homo pornography sights on AOL and pleasure my self for almost TEN hours staite.
I just am so asham and want the Lord to forgive me.
And you all pray real hard now.
Tyler Durden said
Peace be unto you all.
Kelly Slater said
wat?
Wow said
I’m curious as to where the statistics you put on this web page were found. Cause I know from just Common Sense they are lies..
How do you think god feels about those lies especially since your lying to freak people out to believe in him.
monkeysyankittoo said
This is definitely the most ridiculous crap I have seen yet. It’s even more retarded than the extremists that hug trees, cry and scream when one is cut down, but yet live in a house made of wood and drive SUVs. Talk about hallucinations.
Self Rightous said
So true. That is why there should be a law against masterbation.
They need to put cameras in everyone bedroom so only repblice memebers babtist for brown watch to make sure people don’t masterbate.
Because Gods watches people masterbate it should be only the holy self rightous members of the babtist for brown who watch people masterbute because they are so Godly.
Republicans should try to pass this law as soon as possible.
Asche said
males masturbating once every two weeks actually promotes a good healthy reproductive system, flushing out the old and keeping things clean.
and I am a democrat, my husband is a democrat and he or I rarely masturbate.
you sir need to see a mental professional for some help, your seriously out of line. I know the church has their things. But doctors know a bit more then you do.
fat bastard said
i spank my monkey 3 -4 times a day and i am a homo so if i am going burn in hell for being a fagg i might as well enjoy myself while i can ………btw i never asked to be gay god did this to me and i hate him for it
Wow said
All of you that think this is wrong, obviously have more problems then the people that masturbate. I believe in a supreme power, but I do not believe that because you play with your tallywacker that you are going to hell. If that were the case, then you not spending every minute of the day devoted to GOD, means you are a horrible person. Therefore quit working, dont support your family, and make sure they arent playin with themselves. Honestly if that were the biggest problem with the world right now,I would stop in a heart beat, but instead you all on here writing how bad it is instead of saving others from famine and death….Therefore you are all sinners….. “what one says, does not make them a prophet, but one that acts unseen, makes them unselfish “
Snegec said
Quote from Brother Bear: “I’m saving myself for marriage and that includes not touching myself in front of Jesus and all my Dead Relatives!”
Wait till your wife has a headache 2 weeks years running
Quote from Helen Bock: “100% of masturbaters die.”
100% of humans die at some point in their lives, where they are no longer alive, but dead. Their hearts stop pumping blood through veins, their lungs stop intaking air and the brain stops sending electrical stimuluses down the body into the nerves etc.
So, since we ALL die. I could say these things:
100% of all religious people die.
100% of all non-religious people die.
100% of all retards die.
100% of all animals die.
100% of all preachers die.
100% of all nitwits die.
100% of all forum moderators die.
So, stabbing yourself in the foot with the ingenious “100% of all masturbaters die” is completely useless fact. We will all die. Nobody lives forever.
s0ul said
Well ersonally, I beat my dick like it owes me money.
Daniel said
If GOD were to really watch people masterbate, wouldn’t that make GOD a pervert??? Just seems kinda crazy to me. I had a chick watch once, and that was kinda cool, but to know GOD watched everytime would seem kinda GAY.
Innocent (Catholic Conservative) Bystander said
I can’t help but think of another group of deeply religious people when I read this. They believe in the one true lord and savior and are deeply vested, as well as highly motivated, by their religion…they also treat their woman like dogsh*t and fly planes into buildings because god told them to.
Has anyone coined the term “Christianist” yet?
Innocent (Catholic Liberal...woops!) Bystander said
I can’t help but think of another group of deeply religious people when I read this. They believe in the one true lord and savior and are deeply vested, as well as highly motivated, by their religion…they also treat their woman like dogsh*t and fly planes into buildings because god told them to.
Has anyone coined the term “Christianist” yet?
Nathan Tham said
I masturbate as often as four – six times a day, sometimes while reading the bible, and sometimes watching hardcore porn while listening to gangster rap backwards. I feel just as godly as I do as I did in Sunday School. MASTURBATION FTW.
WSB said
That is the problem with Christian Fundamentalist groups. Everything that somebody does that they don’t agree with is automatically wrong. That is a farce. I sorry, but the lies that sites like this preach and try to spread to the weak minded need to stop and allow people to live how they want. If your “God” is so wonderful, then he will forgive everyone. This is why I know longer follow the Christian faith. I got tired of all the garbage that is preached. I got tired of hearing other religions being bashed. What makes you so sure that you got it right? Is it because of your precious bible? I am not saying you are wrong, and I am not saying your right. I am saying you have no Earthly clue. Where was you beloved God when my father was dying from cancer? If your God is so wonderful, why didn’t he save him? There is not religious rhetoric that you can say to me that will comfort me. “You are going to hell if you do this.” “You are going to hell if you do that.” Why would anybody in their right mind believe such nonsense? I have a free mind. I think for myself. I am capable of doing the right thing and not doing the wrong. I don’t need religion for that. I have to thank my parents for that.
Who ever did your study on masturbation must jerk off quite frequently. So what, I have done it. Oh no. I am going to turn out to be a pedophile, homo-sexual, suicidal, herpes ridden, broke penis having, sway backed, unemployed, disowned, and depressed dead guy. Nope. I just checked. I am none of those. Your backwards logic is a failure.
I know I will see some sort of retort saying I am wrong, and I am going to hell. Well prove it. Oh wait, you can’t.
p.s.
Jesus was black.
OTerFTW said
Wow, that is all I can say. Thank you for opening my eyes. All these years I’ve been looking to the scientific and medical community for advice on sexual health and sexual development but with just a few short and made up facts you have completely turned me away from self gratification. I never knew that just as many people practice beastiality and homosexuality as believe in creation and a literal translation of the bible. Thank you so much for opening my eyes. Don’t masturbate, just PIITB.
R J said
Raptor Jesus will save us all.
Believe in Raptor Jesus.
He went extinct for your sins.
I love Raptor Jesus.
Raptor Jesus lets me have fun.
Raptor Jesus thinks it is cool when I PIITB when I have sex with my wife.
Raptor Jesus will save us all.
Raptor Jesus loves you.
Raptor Jesus thinks LeStud is pure win.
Raptor Jesus watches porn.
J B said
Jesus was black.
Evolutionary said
5 out of every 4 Masturbater’s will commit murder, and 9 out of every 5 masturbater’s will be be eat’n by aliens
Evolutionary said
and 113% of masturbater’s will eat babies following a masturbation session
Sadtohearyoutalk said
Oh that was just sad. The lady who had as much of her kids penis lopped off as possible so he couldn’t enjoy sex, made me cry laughing. On the bright side maybe he won’t like it so much that there will be less of you sheeple in the world.
Now as to the argument that these statistics are from the bible, Show the exact lines that have percentages on them or all your information is unfounded.(don’t argue about how the bible can’t show everything otherwise you prove it’s all close minded speculation). Even if they were in there, the population would have been very diffferent rendering them useless.(hope you didn’t look to hard)
Another fun thing I noticed, all of your masturbation “facts” are saying its unhealthy in one way or another. After saying that one of you wants to tell a story of hundreds of dying babies to “young” boys, thats going to be real healthy for young kids to hear.(restroom serial killer anyone?)
Now this:
“2 out of every 3 men who masturbate will engage in a long term homo-sexual relationship and practice incest.
2 of the same 3 men will commit suicide.”
I’m not even sure what to say about this except, thats alot of people pokin their brother’s pooper. I personally know alot of people who I’m sure at one point have “flogged the dolphin” (add that one to your list I didn’t see it)and they aren’t havin one big incest orgy with all the guys.
All those people i mentioned are normal good folks and so i ask you to apply the same logic to this bull:
“1 out of 5 masturbators will become registered sex offenders.2 out of 5 will engage in beastality.”
You really need to stop being such religious terrorists. Let people live their lives how they want. When my time comes I’m glad to stand behind my beliefs in whatever circumstance. I doubt Heaven is full of you people who “ABUSE” kids(you are abusing their bodys NOT them, with your skin irritants)for doing something natural, so i think I’ll be fine.I’m sure the guy who said he shot is son is joking, or at least i hope, but what sickens me is the few of you who tried to justify it.
Don’t throw your logic derived from scripture at me either because I feel that whats left of the bible after years of people like most of you “interpreting” it is a far cry from what it was meant to be. All religion isn’t bad, but anyone who believes this article is.
I Hope you stop hurting your kids and lead happy lives.
Karl said
Anyone else find it kinda creepy of god to be watching you choke the chicken?
Anonymous said
My god, I cant believe some sad fucker has actually taken the time to draft this out, and then the comments are even worse….
Jesus fucking christ kids, its a wank, its good for you, it keeps you fit and i doubt very much its going to be high on God’s agenda when you enter for heaven or whatever bollocks you lot afraid of death believe in…
Get a grip pl0x
Jeffrey Dahmer said
“You have Christianity all wrong; we Christians believe God impregnated His own mother without effecting her virginity. Remember the Trinity; God=Holy Spirit=Jesus? Please don’t distort our beliefs like you did or we Christians come out as bizarre as the Scientologists.”
Hi, Dahmer here.
I’d like to point out that you’re basing your beliefs, lifestyles&morals upon a book.
Captain Obvious, awayyyy!
GDP said
Hey can you tell me if killing you retards would be a sin?
Thanks
GDP said
Oh btw, I jerked off earlier.
J B said
Why was my comment deleted. Are you scared of the truth? I think you are.
Jesus was black. There, I said it again.
s0ul said
If jesus rose from the dead…wouldn’t that make him a zombie?
Jesus died for your sins and now he wants your brains!!!!
-Zombie Jesus
GDP said
Jesus was NOT black, if anything he was arabic or egyption. Some sort of middle eastern race
speedy said
Now wait a minute….Earlier it was stated that “onan”(?) was put to death for spilling his seed right? He was boffing his brother’s wife and he was put to death for leaving his calling card on the sheets, and not dribbling down her butt cheeks? HE WAS BONING HIS BROTHER’S WIFE!!!! He was commiting adultery and the only thing god had a problem withs was jizzing on her belly not in her snatch? Good lord you people are insane. Even if his brother was impotent it doesn’t mean it’s ok to lay pipe in his wife. And how do you get that this means you can’t play the five knuckle shuffle on the “ole piss pipe” from this? All I get is that you can break a “COMMANDMENT” and be fine just don’t let that last pump slip out and drop the “bag” so to speak, because that is a death penalty. Wow…..You know you goobers are about a millimeter from scientology with this kinda stuff.
Papa smurf said
I’m just blew a wad in an envelope. You guys have a mailing address?
It’s one of those business envelopes with a window in it…but you can’t see through it anymore cause it was a pretty big load. One of those loads where like, the first muscle spasm didn’t really have much payload but like the second one caught me off guard. After that I put my thumb in my butt and picked up the pace a little bit and I actually then praised the lord sweet six pound eight ounce baby jesus for giving me such a plentiful harvest. I ate a bunch of dark meat chicken yesterday so it kinda smells like turpentine…not like FRESH turpentine though kinda like after its been sitting for a while. Wasn’t too thick or too thin either.
So you guys got a mailing address?
obama08 said
you people are crazy. all i got from the quote from the bible that supposedly condems jerkin it is someone eats it. nice! you can’t touch your own dick but someone can do it for you…and she’ll swallow!
palinmybabymama said
if the bible is the….story of the earth and all things on it (for lack of better words), then where in teh bible is the part about the dinosaurs.
i hope it has pictures!
obama08 said
i love how ya’ll are deleting my post. i thought christians were caring people and were open to anything.
Seeds said
My daddy had me over circumsized, to make me a good christian. I heard masturbation makes it bigger; black kids have bigger ones than white kids because white kids have more toys. So I do it eight times a day.
God Bless and I love you.
MODERATOR’S NOTE: You have your blessings mixed up son. The Lord blessed Asians with bigger brains cause they got smaller tallywackers — and Negroes with bigger tallywackers cause they got smaller brains. No one ever say the Lord ain’t fair!
Jesus said
People…. For my sake… Do you REALLY think this is what I meant? Holy Mary Mother Of Me, some of you people are out of your minds. And to think I sacrificed myself for this shit.
I’m fairly sure a cleansing is in order again. Gotta talk to Pops about maybe hooking that up sooner than later.
MODERATOR’S NOTE: Everyone witness here someone who has damned himself to an everlasting Hell by indulging in the most shocking blasphemy possible: Pretending to be the Lord. Let this be a lesson to all you smark aleck, Non-Christian trash that post on here. Just a few keystrokes and you have cemented your fate: An eternity being tortured and defecated upon by demons. Congratulations!
Pedobear said
I do not approve!!
leboro said
BUT JESUS LOVED TO PLAY WITH WOOD!!!
GDP said
This shit is sooooooooooo sad yet sooooooo comical. Keep it comming. Hey Mods or Admin answer me this. God says its not ok to kill right? Well how many have been killed in the faith of christ? ding ding thousands. Crusades anyone? Christianity (as it is, not as how jesus wanted it) is a joke and one big group of hypocrytes.
Im sure jesus is ashamed that the religion he created/started went the way it did.
GDP said
Also I would like to add not ALL christians are, but throughout history people have used the faith as an excuse to use power and kill. True Christians, the people who believe in treating others fairly, not impossing faith unto others, and NOT killing in the name of christ are ok in my book.
But seriously, if God does not want me to jerk off …… then why does everyone do it? I seriously doubt that god would punish or kill us for doing so. Maybe Im wrong but in my heart I do not feel this is the case, maybe its becuase I beat the meat constantly but meh.
But really I do not need a book written by men (NOT Jesus or god) to tell me how to believe or live my life. I know in my heart what is wrong or right. I believe in god in my own way. If Jesus really was Gods son and everything in the bible is true then I will answer for it when I die. But I dont believe in any/most of it. If anything I see the bible as a guide for people to live a decent non violent life. A book of morals for those who have none. Its a good bunch of stories, but thats about it.
LOL said
“MODERATOR’S NOTE: Everyone witness here someone who has damned himself to an everlasting Hell by indulging in the most shocking blasphemy possible: Pretending to be the Lord. Let this be a lesson to all you smark aleck, Non-Christian trash that post on here. Just a few keystrokes and you have cemented your fate: An eternity being tortured and defecated upon by demons. Congratulations!”
Well [UNCHRISTIAN WORD REMOVED] why do we need God and jesus if you can condemned the entire human race for them. You sure are some judgemental [UNCHRISTIAN WORD REMOVED]. So lets get this right, you guys love JESUS, he was [HUMANIST LIB LIE REMOVED]arabic, but i would be willing to bet half of you [UNCHRISTIAN WORD REMOVED] hate sand niggers
The KIng said
What a bunch of idiots!
Okay, you can call me Kat a.k.a Don't Worry said
HAHA! This is the first I’ve ran into this post. It is hilarious!
Jon said
whoever believes this website r being mislead, yea masturbation is wrong but u people need to read ur bibles and let god reveal some more stuff to u because u people are so messed up who cares wat political view u r and what domination u r as long as we all believe in God and Jesus and WHAT IS IN THE BIBLE then we would all be ok but i will be praying for everyone and god bless
obama08 said
so i read up there that god watches us masterbate. if he watches all the guys yank it, doesn’t that make got a fagget?
Creamy Hello said
“1 out of 5 masturbators will become registered sex offenders.2 out of 5 will engage in beastality.
2 out of every 3 men who masturbate will engage in a long term homo-sexual relationship and practice incest.”
etc.
Source: Someone’s wild imagination and bulls*it.
saasta.fi » Beating Satan, Not Your Penis said
[...] This Baptist blog has laid down some hard facts on masturbating evildoers for your Friday afternoon reading pleasure! I wish they had a “fave” button, I would’ve faved this one: [...]
kitty said
wow…
100% of men who masturbate will masturbate to this posting.
also- “signs that your boyfriend/husband is masturbating” is SHEER comedy.
I’d say more times than not the silky nightgowns are their own…to be worn only on Sundays.
I built the cross said
I just “spilled my seed” onto page 348 of a bible.
Spam Central IX - Page 22 - Alien Bobble Head Forums said
[...] FUNDY CHRISTIANS Beating Satan, Not Your Penis Republican Faith Chat [...]
Bryan said
This is a joke, right? Like, a quality Poe?
You wish... said
Hey… get the Bible quotes right…
Leviticus 26:16 “I also will do this unto you; I will even appoint over you terror, consumption, and the burning ague, that shall consume the eyes, and cause sorrow of heart: and ye shall sow your seed in vain, for your enemies shall eat it.”
Fire Lord Marcus said
I masturbate almost every night to porn. I really don’t give a darn about what you guys think. Now, where did you get your facts from?
Prove to me that this isn’t a joke.
Here4Years said
Speedy @ 235,
Thanks for that post. It’s going to make me laugh for days.
logic said
The Leviticus quote is “sow your seed in vain” not spill it. This means that ones seed has been planted not simply cast about just anywhere. This passage is NOT in reference to masturbation.
Edgar said
This is the best site ever. Thanks for helping me overcome my addiction. I know the first time I read this site I went home and masturbated just thinking about it. Now I know masturbation is good. God wouldn’t have given us hands if he didn’t want us to masturbate. Thanks God! I love You!
I'm Earth. Have we met? said
The people running this site should be ashamed of themselves. I know, because God told me so. And then I spilled my seed in vain!
hm? said
If guys don’t masturbate for a long enough period of time, it will find other ways to exit the body. Be it emptied in the bladder and urinated out, or via a wet dream, which I like to look at as God giving you a handjob.
The point is, it’s going to escape one way or another. It’s not like the semen and sperm just hang out in the body waiting for marriage any more than urine hangs out waiting for Christmas.
Vandalier said
You are all completely nuts.
Who’s fault is it for people not believing in God?
There’s going to extremes and then there’s going over the top.
Curcumsized – If we are meant to be snipped, why wouldnt we be born with it done?
Everyone is equal.
God shall banish the non believers.
Beleive it or not, Its already happened.
The non believers were exiled to America.
And they got their own leader who just so happened to be smoking his name……
As for marijuana,
It’s a plant.
God made the plants.
He made it for the sole purpose of making people believe.
When you get high, Thats the feeling of heaven.
The new bible should have the title: RAW – God Vs. Viagra
followed by a sequil of – God Vs. Condoms.
Just so you all know I am an aethiest, However I was born part jewish.
People are allowed to believe what they want.
Anybody dares to mock others religions will be vanquished and non shall be forgiven.
The holy ghost came upon mary……
Does that mean she cheated on Joseph?
Dirty whore
June Gordon said
God done care if women masterbate. That is cause they done make no mess.
Men is messy as all get out. That is why the Lord told them to cut it out!
I remember when I was married and whould come home and slip on the lineleum when I walk in the kitchen. Glad them days behind me!!!
Aaron Mayo said
“I also will do this unto you; I will even appoint over you terror, consumption, and the burning argue, that shall consume the eyes, and cause sorrow of heart: should ye shall spill your seed in vain, for your enemies shall eat it”
Now I’m going to quote for you people. Something not twisted for your interpretation.
“Then I will do this to you: I will bring upon you sudden terror, wasting diseases and fever that will destroy your sight and drain away your life. You will plant seed in vain, because your enemies will eat it.”
Now clearly, what the bible ACTUALLY says is that if you do not follow his decrees, then he’ll make you impotent. That would kind of be the point of planting seed in vain?
Thank you dear Christians for not actually reading the bible. The part I find humorous about this, is that as an Agnostic, I actually had the common sense to check in on it. Thank and have a nice day. You can trounce this, but rest assured I won’t bother with your website again.
Happily enjoying sex said
Brother WhoDat Glory Pines Ministry Says:
October 26, 2007 at 11:14 am
My boys never even considered this filthy sin, they are good Christian (republican Baptist) boys who properly fear the Lords wrath should they do such a thing, plus there are no doors on their 7 bedrooms or 8 bathrooms so they wouldn’t even try. Praise the Lord.
You need to be reported. This oversteps the line,is demeaning,controlling,and downright abusive.You need to be reported.Are you a pervert? For real.
Once again, I would think that once an issue is settled on a previous thread (in this case, the fact that girls and women do not have the physical capacity to achieve orgasm), people do not frivolously re-state the discredited information.
Whoever said this has no clue how to please his wife in the bedroom,and therefore must feel inferior to make such false claims.Do you have a clit? I don’t think so. God didn’t make sex for baby making only. Learn how to please your wife,and quit being so controlling with your children-or you may find yourselves with out-of-control adults who finally wake up-
because you were so overbearing when they were young.
By the way,I am a happily married female who has an orgasm EVERY time my husband,and I have sex.
Go me,Go hubby,Go me,Go hubby!
Pasi Kaarne said
Mitä helvettiä?
Tämä on täyttä roskaa. Herätkää te syntiset! Jos Jumala ei haluaisi meidän runkaavan, hän olisi luonut vain yhden sukupuolen. period.
Tiffany Wellsley said
Pasi,
Take your devil-speak to some other board, you minion of Satan!
Tiffany
Lisa said
The statement about women being incapable of orgasm literally made me choke. I would like to read the thread where this was “proven”. I waited till marriage to have sex with my husband, and on our wedding night he told me that even though it would be difficult, he would try his hardest to let me feel the same pleasure as him. Because as he knows, God is now the NEW TESTAMENT (not the Old, as many of you have quoted for proof of these ridiculous claims) and believes in equality in his love. Therefore, a woman is equal to a man, and deserves the same pleasure as him. If a woman is going to carry a child and be it’s caregiver, she is at least given the right to climax like her husband. And my husband managed to give me my very first orgasm on our wedding night, and the shared passion made our hearts grow closer to each other, but also to God. The love has never lingered, even after 4 children and 20 years of marriage. I thank God I found such a wonderful man. It saddens me to think there are good Christian women being deprived by ignorant husbands. Those women, more than anyone, have a right to masturbate.
MODERATOR’S NOTE: You, my dear, are no Christian. You are a harlot. No Christian lady comes on a public message board to brag about her hubby’s prowess in the bedroom or how tingly her lady parts feel. I rebuke you in the name of Jesus! BTW, doesn’t it disturb you that your hubby was so experienced on your wedding night?
Dragos said
Holly mother of something or other where do i start.
Let me start with the first (the actual post): BS statistics asside, who do you people think you are? If you can’t have joy and pleasure out of your sexual relations (solo or with partners) no body should either? And that’s where I start having problems with religion, it’s a joykill. Don’t do this, don’t do that, and the people that do the preaching commit all sorts of the stuff they condemn in others.
And with the last(the mod’s coment on Lisa’s coment 270). Buddy, the lady said she waited untill marriage, so she obviously followed your rulles, ergo you can’t call her a harlot:). Now what bothers you? The fact that she obviously had an orgasm, against all the “wisdom” that some posters hold so dear that women CAN’T have one? The fact that her husband cared enough to ensure that taking her virginity was as pleasurable as possible, and not the hurried and painfull thing that some people think it should be? (And let me say to Lisa, your husband really deserves applause.) The fact that she is proud of her obviously satisfying sex life, inside marriage, and chooses to share with us? Or the fact that a womand dared to have an oppinion? Let me know, I’m interested which.
And by the way, I’m an atheist due to scientific education, not because I hate god, but if you people (i.e. fundie christians) are right in what you belive, then god is trully despicable.
[Unchrisitan name deleted] said
I just [foul language removed] to this. Jesus is [outrageous blasphemy deleted]. He’s almost [unspeakably perverted phrase removed] on the cross and it makes me [unbelievable blasphemy removed].
[Moderator's note: This post was among the most disgusting ever left on this board. This site is for born again people, not porn again people.]
The[unChristian word removed] said
[Post deleted because poster was using multiple identities.]
In your ear said
[Moderator's note: Use of multiple identities will result in posts being deleted.]
Haihai said
[Post deleted because poster was using multiple identities. Each poster is allowed only one name which s/he must use for all posts.]
lingre said
lingre…
Does anyone have any ideas about a party that I can host for my girlfriends? I already had a lingerie party? I already had a lingerie party which turned out to be fun, I was just wondering if someone can give me some ideas….
The Antichrist said
Oh wow. Sure is Victorian Era in here. This obviously proves that nothing you idiots come up with is true. Everything on the “fiction” side is fact. I masturbate like once a day. My G.P.A. is 3.78 and I’m pre-medical. I have no thoughts of suicide. If anything, not masturbating would make you go insane.
Zuggy said
FACT:
“Different studies have found that masturbation is frequent in humans. Alfred Kinsey’s studies have shown that 92% of men and 62% of women have masturbated during their lifespan. Similar results have been found in a British national probability survey. It was found that 95% of men and 71% of women masturbated at some point in their lives. 73% of men and 37% of women reported masturbating in the four weeks before their interview, while 53% of men and 18% of women reported masturbating in the previous seven days.”
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Masturbation#Frequency.2C_age.2C_and_sex
So by your “facts” section almost all men will die, become homosexual or suffer some horrible fate. The fact is, if this was the case the human race would be dead by now because of the lack of men able to reproduce. You should probably change the fact and fiction headings
Tiffany Wellsley said
Zuggy,
You wrote: “So by your ‘facts’ section almost all men will die.”
No, ALL men will die. It is a rule of nature. No mere man is immortal. Entire generations of men have always died. But in the days of yore, before the advent of “self-pleasuring,” a man’s life expectancy was far greater — well into three-digit years of age. As solo gratification has increased, life expectancy has decreased. You figure it out.
Tiffany
HaiHai said
[UNCHRISTIAN WORD REMOVED] niggers go to hell
[Moderator's note: Please refrain from using language on this site when referring to colored people that is just bound to upset them. You know what they're like.]
MarxFTW said
hi, i’m a communist atheist, what’s up guys?
LOL said
You are all bat[UNCHRISTIAN WORD REMOVED] crazy, even more so than normal religious fanatics.
I feel sorry for your families.
Tards said
You know Jesus probably [UNCHRISTIAN WORD REMOVED] [UNCHRISTIAN WORD REMOVED] [UNCHRISTIAN WORD REMOVED] too, oh and he was also [UNCHRISTIAN WORD REMOVED]
TheReligiousCommie said
I’m assuming this is a joke because I refuse to believe in this kind of ignorance. As a Christian, I believe that if we weren’t meant to have sex drives, God wouldn’t give them to us.
By the way, I fully expect a sarcastic comment from the mods.
EDIZZ said
lol masturbating is fun and the big G likes to as well, she told me.
[Shamless advertising deleted] Perseverance and Balderdash said
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Gods Bum boy said
I think i just wet my self… this is sooo funny!!!!
and i thought going to church and slapping people was the only thing i could do… but just reading this made me piss myself.
you guys are mad Fu*king Tw*ts, im not lying now if i find some one like you im stabbing you.
yh thats right Fu*k it im going to hell you Cu*ts at least the Fu*king Devils more human than you Fu*ks.
We humans are just fu*king animals, we eat, crap, shag, have a kid thats all i need in my life.
SATAN RULES.!!!!!!!!
Tiffany Wellsley said
It is obvious from your name that you are one of those disgusting perverts my stylist, Adrian, speaks of, who is such a “nelly bottom” that he allows other men to insert their appendages into every orifice he possesses. What is even worse is that it is obvious you are British (surprise, surprise). “Bum,” “pi&&,” “shag”? Please! I can understand why your life so dismal, involving so few activities. After all, you people have the worst food, the worst weather, the worst teeth and the worth attitudes. I’m surprised the suicide rate isn’t even higher than it is.
Tiffany
RaptorJesus said
LOLOLOL masturbation races! That’s some [obscenity deleted]ed up [obscenity deleted] you Christians do!
SPAM20 said
please for the love of god tell me [obscenity deleted]. Im am really sick [foul language from a social boor removed].
wanker said
I’m going to masturbate to THIS just to piss off the religious right!
toolmaster said
[Post deleted. Poster already used the name, "Wanker." We have made clear that each user is allowed one name only. Further violations of this rule will result in this poster being banned.]
toolmaster said
[Repetitive post deleted. Please do not post the same message twice.]